I have always been a firm, and perhaps a bit naive, believer in the promise that with proper planning and time management, there is no limit to what one can accomplish. I am however beginning to reconsider my position in what is perhaps an overly optimistic philosophy. At some point, one simply runs out of time... or breath... or sanity... Or, as it happens, normal bodily control. My left eye has begun to express the stress that has been steadily gaining momentum over the last month or two, in the form of a spasm that resembles a perpetual winking motion played on fast forward. At first this seemed to be an isolated occurrence, but once the spasms became a perpetual part of my day I began to worry... Was this some early symptom of Parkinson's? Not typically prone to hypochondria, I decided I must slow down at least enough to focus my attention to when, where, and what was going on to trigger the twitch. Sure enough, not 10 minutes later, when I heard Josephine's eruptive cry shouting "I had it FIRST!!", I noticed my eye convulsing into distortion. And later, when Samuel hit his head on the table, and when Isabella decided to trim her own bangs, and when I burned the toast because I forgot it was in the oven, and when, and when, and when. With all of us continually tripping over one another in our 1200 square foot abode, there are lots of moments like these. At least the twitching proved to be completely reactionary. Whew... Dodged a bullet there, at least. But now what? Surely my eye was telling me what I was not willing to admit to myself- somethings got to give.
On top off all of my full time day to day domestic duties, I have been attempting to put the "have it all" theory, so popularized by the 70's feminism movement, to the test. Creating menus and cheffing for private parties, catering small events, writing (of course), book signings, driving all over creation to a seemingly endless stream of pointless auditions, and attending acting classes. Oh, and let's not discount caring (and feeling overly-responsible) for my recently-released-from-the-hospital father, who could have played Jack Lemon's character in Grumpy Old Men without ever having to act at all. Even staring at this screen reviewing this list has left me with a stiff frowning face. I am not happy with this list. I am officially chasing too many dreams to catch any of them. I flubbed a rare girls night because I wrote down the wrong date, I showed up to acting class an hour early because I managed to forget the start time, I am remiss in returning phone calls (personal AND business), and while Isabella is already doing lessons over a year ahead of her supposed grade, I feel I am short changing her in homeschool as well. I haven't burned my bra yet (though with my track record of forgetting to turn off the stove this could be a distinct possibility)... Would that help me to "have it all"? I am going crazy!
What do I want most?
-The most important of course is the base issue of home and hearth, wanting everyone to be engaged, educated, and healthy, and living in a perfectly tidy house at least 98% of the time.
-Next would be my blog and food writing, which has back slided considerably since being signed by my agent a couple of months ago, who is not helping me to do anything I actually want to do (is this a normal?).
-Next would be the entertainment sector. While I would not pass up any real opportunities, I have come to realize that I would rather be myself on camera that pretend to be someone else. Ultimately I want to be a food/lifestyle personality, not an actress (it is with a heavy heart that I admit this, I have dreamed of giving my Oscar acceptance speech since I was 4).
Now I just need to eliminate anything that is overshadowing my focus and stealing my joy, which is much easier said than done, as I would rather go through life with entire body convulsions than to disappoint anybody. Oh, what's a girl to do... I know this sounds like more of a diary entry than a blog post, but I am sure there are many mothers out there like myself, who are feeling the blessed burden of empowerment weigh heavy, trying to do everything because we can, which is a wonderful thing, at least in theory.